Losing My Stand-Up Virginity: The Analogy between the Two First Times

Some experiences in life stick with us forever. The first kiss, the first job, the first orgasm. But what about the first time you perform stand-up comedy? Well, arguably it is a lot like losing your virginity.

Let me explain.

I did my first stand-up routine last December at the Stage Is Yours 2nd edition event organized by espace cultures in Café Saga, Belval. I had not been preparing my jokes or rehearsing my routine extensively beforehand. So as the hour of the performance drew nigh, my anxiety grew all the more high (I should become a poet).

I guess doing your first stand-up gig is a lot like the first time you have sex. You anticipate it for a lifetime, but when the moment finally arrives, you are filled with uncertainty and stress. My first stand-up routine was exactly like that: I didn't know what to expect, and I was afraid of messing up.

So, I arrived at the premises with fear and fumbling. Although I had sworn myself that I don't need to drink before the performance, I still did. "Surely," I thought to myself, "a few beers would help to loosen my mood before the action!" And once I finally did hit the stage, one of the event coordinators handed me yet another beer as if to suggest that, based on the sheer look of it, my level of sobriety was still too high for doing stand-up.

And perhaps the alcohol did the trick, because as soon as I stepped on the stage and grabbed the mic, I felt pretty confident and I had no big issues standing and performing in front of the crowd (please, do not draw any sexual analogy from that). In terms of stage presence, the gig went alright. In terms of content, I surely could have done better. I didn't induce as much as laughter as I initially had hoped for. It's like in bed when you have no problem maintaining it, but you are still a bit perplexed of what exactly you are supposed to do. Maybe you aren't getting the exact amount of moaning and groaning you were expecting to have.

"I guess doing your first stand-up gig is a lot like the first time you have sex. You anticipate it for a lifetime, but when the moment finally arrives, you are filled with uncertainty and stress."

Essentially, my set was all about the university library and the strange things that happen there (just like in sex your first time is usually about doing one position only). I started off by poking fun at the old library system that required passwords for lending. I mean, come on, who needs a password to borrow a book when you already have shown your library card? It's like they're asking for trouble. And let's be real, in this day and age, passwords are just so last decade. I mean if the library wanted more security, I'm pretty sure they could use something modern like a face scan or a fingerprint to ensure it's YOU taking the book home and not some mischievous GTB (Grand Theft Book) thug stealing it.

And seriously, what would such a thug even do with stolen books? Juggle with them? Use them as toilet paper? Nah, they would probably just educate themselves to get a college degree, all the while learning that stealing books is a very, very serious crime in our civilized society.

I'm sure there would have been ways to build around the joke about passwords in general, like the fact that Google basically owns all of them. So at the end of the day it's not so much about how secure your password is, but how much you trust Google with them. Also the word password is misleading, because they are not words at all. The typical Google suggestions for "strong passwords" are the most unintelligible strings of symbolic non-sense that are impossible for any normal human being to ever even begin to remember.

But enough about passwords, my next story was about elevators. Now, I know what you're thinking, "how can elevators be funny?" Well, let me tell you, they can be. I recounted a personal experience of mine where I saw students, for example, using the elevator to go up or down just one floor. I mean, seriously? Unless you're injured or handicapped, there's no excuse for that kind of laziness. After all, this is a university we're talking about, not a senior home. And don't even get me started on what an irresponsible waste of electricity that is amidst our current energy crisis and sustainability goals. So come on, people, let's not fuck the Earth, but utilize our lower limbs for ascending and descending the goddamn staircase.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "wow, this guy is hilarious, he must have had the crowd in stitches." Well, unfortunately, that was not the case. It turns out that my stand-up routine was about as well-received as a library without any books. But hey, you know what they say, practice makes perfect. And despite the fact that people were not exactly laughing their socks off, they told me that they enjoyed the ride nevertheless (wink-wink).

"It turns out that my stand-up routine was about as well-received as a library without any books."

The number one thing that I learned about doing comedy from this experience is that your routine should not revolve around one thing only like passwords or the elevator (unless your story is REALLY good). Instead, you should always seek ways to incorporate multiple sidetracks inside the storyline to keep the audience at their toes, never knowing what to expect next. After my performance, I already came up with a ton of funny things to add in the mix. This can sometimes involve improvising on stage and making up some of your routine as you go rather than meticulous planning.

Nevertheless, I have no regrets about my first time. Considering the limited scope of my material and time spent preparing it, it wasn't a huge missed opportunity to not come up with a ton of witty jokes on the spot. For me, this first experience was more about having the right kind of attitude towards stage performance and comedy, not about being all perfect from the get-go. And it's better to make waste of poor material with a good stage presence than wasting good material with a poor performance.

So I'm not giving up on my dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian just yet, just like I wouldn't give up on having sex just because I couldn't... you know, reach the climax on the first try. I mean, I have already faced my fears and reached a few solid minutes in the be... I mean talking about the library. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be performing at the Comedy Cellar in Las Vegas! Or, you know, maybe I'll just stick to writing funny blog posts. Either way, I had a good time and that's all that matters.

"It's better to make waste of poor material with a good stage presence than wasting good material with a poor performance."

My next stand-up performance is in fact tomorrow on Monday (yikes!) again at Café Saga, Belval, for the third edition of the Stage is Yours event, starting at 18:30. I believe this time my material is actually much more funnier, but that will only make me all the more nervous about delivering it right! So, wish me luck and hope to see you there!

Rofl.